Remembrance …

So many today will remember, why they fought and died, for our freedoms and our rights, so we can live with pride.

Generations of my family served our majesty,

If they saw how it has become, would they grieve inside like me?

I remember them with honour, I remember them with love, every soldier/service person who gave their life, who watches from above.

I promise not just to remember, but to follow in your path, keep on doing things for others, destroy this world full of wrath.

I will make an action, I will do a deed,

I will do for others, it’s how we will succeed.

So my little poppy, is so much more to me,

It’s a living memory of how we all should be.

WE WILL REMEMBER THEM !!

Exhausted

Yesterday was totally mental …

Talk about a hamster wheel ..

I know your reading now so lessto day on what’s going on..

Just know this is far from over your one sick puppy and your time will come by the hands of the system you’ve abused to abuse me..

The one thing you know is if I’m right I will not stop 🛑 so even if you win this battle prepare cos you will not win the war 😉

So ur watching

Clarification came yesterday that you watch, with the child bride that you used as a weapon in your game on Monday.. she May laugh with you now, but one day she will comprehend you and your game. I hope for her sake she’s ready for the aftermath of you 🤭

It was a shock yesterday but it’s ok people, the sick idiot has her there reading with him, watching with him, lol ohh you poor child, your a pawn in his game of ♟, he’s only after the Queen 👑. Which is never going to happen.

Lots to come, yes I’m hurting, yes I am poorly, yes it’s effected me BUT I’ve been a busy little nerd 🤓.. I followed the rules all the way, watch my face as the rules protect me … see if you send co my messages then… bet you don’t …

Well I still promise me n you are gonna get that trial, a jury can decide what you are. Think I won’t get there.. TRY ME 🤗🤣

Court on Monday

It’s been hard to write, court was a living joke.

The barrister for him knew the judge 👨‍⚖️ omg.. I’m now a stalker who unduely brought my rapist to court and if I continue forward and contest they will come and take costs from me personally up to 3000 pounds.( threats to make me back down)

I told them book the case in .. they’ve so stitched me up it will turn on you.. I let it play out, what then happened was his barrister , my rapists barrister was allowed to write up the court order .. slight bit of bias there .. this happened as I brought to judge attention I didn’t receive the last order for 3 weeks and that would only leave me a week to complete my evidence ..

it’s all a joke .. but watch this space .. I’ll prove your abuse of the system for 13 years then let’s see who’s laughing.. you are a slimy worm 🐛.. your still using her and now ur new born baby in your games… presenting your a loving caring doting person .. you will be unravelled for the dirty creature you are.

Courts 🙄

Still awake – this is how it goes you see

Head full of all the woes and worries this creates, thinking why can one Court not transfer my case to the higher court if that is where they keep telling me it needs to be.

Why are their powers so limited? Why does it get left to just the police( who state the law stops them helping)..

You can see where Fxxk the law attitudes are coming from.. even Ive been tested in my belief they matter.. ohh they do imagine a world 🌍 without police ..

So my mission evolved with understanding, I can help them too 🤗.

I just want an end to it the trauma of reliving it all at-his choice just isn’t right.. is it?

When after 13 years will they see rehabilitations have not happened, my rights must come into this rubbish somewhere 🙄 oh I forgot, I have no rights in the eyes of the law 👀 my rapist and abuser, who has married my sons friend from school ( the services knew she was integrated in my home- reports were made for her safety- ignored), has all the choices, all the protection, all the support, even through his lies.

How is this possible?

Well Poorly as I am, that court is my battleground right now and when I choose to fight I’m not gonna lose. I don’t need an army I’m a lone warrior, when people see me persist it strengthens them so.. onwards

Court tomorrow

This week I’ve been ill.

As this is the house I was assaulted in, it’s been difficult to be here since his contact. I pushed myself so much I’ve got the onset of pneumonia, looking through the files his contact and my mental and physical health decline could be put in a graph for comparison.

Tomorrow, will he turn up?, will he have legal representation? I’m still representing myself, it’s The only way I can ensure what I say gets to the judge.

I just want to-be put-in the right court so I ever have to do this again. Again I ask where are my rights as a victim?

The case is in multiple agency failings , wmp is off, probation end of month to follow, then docs and I have to do child services , that will be fun lol 😝

I pushed my self to join the knife crime awareness stand.. been lying down ever since but it was worth it .

I can’t do much at all today, moving hurts breathing hurts, I just have to lie here thinking ..

thank goodness I have the focus of the page, I’d be in trouble otherwise lol I can’t explain how having something to do, helping others on a huge scale has helped my head.. instead of dwelling in anger I focus it too the page .. Productive energy.

Well I just hope tomorrow gives what I need transfer to higher court so this can be dealt with

When will this end😞

Ok so I go out, I try to help cook for 7 to 8 elderly .. thank god it’s all chopped already I can’t even do this crap for myself lol..

struggled chopping butter cubes but got there, 2 hours I helped, bit of washing up and cooked the scrambled egg and the toast Now I’m lying flat😠. ( hate the pain I just wish I could not be like this)

It was better than feeling trapped, I feel I helped the one lady cooking, and the olds I’ve alwYs loved since young choir ( roll out the bArrel, long way to Tipperary) .

It also helped me. Im still learning how to control my pains and emotions but I’m doing better than ever before.

Doctors need to use me as an example, if I can give 2 hours here and there no meds when before well before just wasn’t living, get places to send people the tablets aren’t working.

And yes I’m in pain immense pain but I feel happier for helping, trying and just doing what I can having it accepted and respected, instead of being told, I’m broken, done, what can I do if I have to lie down all the time … I can’t do what you can maybe not but my bit matters. I matter

Realisations

I still live in the same house I was abused and raped in.

I chose to stay after we’d done moves around Birmingham, hostels and temporary accommodations.

If we had of moved, my children would not have stabilised. They were broken as much if not more than I was. The services were failing me,no one wS listening 👂 HE WIll BE BAck… I had to protect myself.

Now at least I’m connected, friends, etc, the neighbours know him and our story. Where would I be if I’d let them force me to move?

Not going to lie , I’m out a lot right now today I realised why! So I don’t have to sit in the space..look at the area remember it all. 😞🥺. I’ve changed the house of course but it’s an underlying stain, no matter what you cover it with it creeps through😶

So out I go again, if I stay in I’ll dwell, I cant do that, not good for my head.

These are the things the courts don’t see , they can’t comprehend the effects of what goes on .. the grass all looks the same through rose tinted glasses🧐 TAKE EM OFF AND SEE ME, SEE US , THE FAMILIES AND PEOPLE YOU ARE DAMAGING AS MUCH AS OUR ABUSERS…

Emotion overload

Court gets closer day by day, papers served, I’m a mess.

Will it be a brief that comes with him prepped and educated a long serving solicitor vs me as I’m still self representing in court.

Will it be nothing, at least if he doesn’t come it can continue without him.

I have to face him again 😞. They said again I can sit in a room ( been there done it), I can have screens ( did it ) , I’ve even done video link.. why not now? If you separate someone it should be him, if you put screen round someone it should be him screened off .. I am not hiding it shows fear … am I scared ? Of course But he’s not seeing that this time 🙄

I’m back there again! How should you feel in this moment? All I know is it’s awful I used to walk off my stress, tried that today, all I did was hurt myself lol , fell asleep after and now , I’ll be on and off all night.. I’ll be tired and stressed n sore this will continue for days 😫😡

Normally I’d get frustrated and angry well in the past, now I’m lucky to have a focus, I’ve got this blog, I’m trying to vlog but it’s hard you know, I am to tell about being given the responsibility of serving my abuser his court papers .. and the probation stuff. The pain , the pressure the waiting, the battles … I’m lucky to have the network around that I do .. it will come as its meant to , I cAnt force it out ..

I suppose I’m trying to say I’m manifesting emotional distress as court comes, this is graphable material in my evidence . You could chart his contacts and my mental health decline , it worsens when the services fail ..

So for now, keep busy , adrenaline runs me at the moment. It’s draining, you can’t sustain it for long periods without ill Health it devours you, leaves you wiped out. I will not lose because I’m emotionally retarded and can’t contain the pain, I’ve come too far.

There’s only one way to go ONWARD🐷, back is not an option, neither is a pit stop 🛑.

I thank the few who never gave up on ME, I thank those recently who believed in Me, I thank my children and family( not all blood) for loving me unconditionally and I hope the wheels keep turning. For all the sadness inside I find many reasons to get through a day, HOPE people, it’s the key to survival, this won’t last forever.

Doctors

I’ve had issues with the doctors throughout my case, crisis teams many meds , had me down for no polar at one stage ( not what I got ) .

Well I formal complained in August, I’ve been corresponding ever since, to no avail, 2 months on after rude attitude on Monday a call back on Tuesday that never came, I went there this morning.

First thing I did was ask about the head referral, ohh what a surprise not done asked for a printout.. oh they must get permission.. it’s my info love , I’m having it.. doc must say yes first.. tell doc they should answer formal complaints..

The lady I been dealing with who told me for 2 months she’s practice manager is actually reception manager🤬. Well I got heated andtold em I’ll camp out all day till I’m seen I got a lump on my head growing I’ve got half a diagnosis for fibromyalgia and just been left for 2 years, I got major mental health issues, chronic back neck spine shoulder leg issues, you medicated mefor 7 years telling me I’m paranoid , then I prove I wasn’t come off the meds ask for help from crisis so I didn’t end up back on cannabis, to be turned away for the reason I’m there ffs.

Well came home with call the right info have to now do more laptop.. email the real practice manager, email for my foes since 2009..

when do I get a chance to just breathe and live.. my whole life has been a battle to just breathe every day. The smile you see is a face , if I wore how I felt inside as a visual I’d be worse than John merrick , people would turn to stone, like I’m medusa.

I try to disguise it, no therapy or hypnosis will ever take it away.. no matter what you all say THATS NIT GONNA HAPPEN – MY TRAUMA IS LIFELONG. A continuation of darkness, pain, weapons, gangs, drugs, jails, thoughts, even yesterday I realised something reading up on County Lines… I was a walking carrier bag 😭…those who were placed to love and protect, tbf caused the most damage.

But I feel inside a burning 🔥, a desire for better, an inner knowledge I deserved more… I fought and fight my inner battles daily, just to stay sane enough to function.

I try not to be a monster, we all have that capability, deny if you want m, push someone far enough and you will break what you know them to be.

I will fight for others being destroyed like this, my time is done , there’s no more they can do, I cried today it’s a lot to carry every day ..

Today I can’t face the world so I’ll hide away. It’s all so wrong ,it’s disturbing.